Pan demi-romantic asexual

Pan demi-romantic asexual

Hi everybody, Mary here !

So, as you may (or may not) know, yesterday was Asexuality Visibility Day !

So, as a pan demi-romantic asexual, I decided to tell you my story (also why our sex ed fails to tell us EVERYTHING we should know about it).

I wasn't really worried about my relationship status as a teenager (until the age of fourteen to be precise). I thought I didn't need a partner, that I was too young, etc... Everybody was getting in couples, but I was the only one to remain single. And that didn't bother me : I thought I wasn't made or concerned by relationships.

Oh DEAR was I wrong.

At the age of fourteen, I arrived in high school. People, not only were in couples, but started... well, engaging in sexual activities. At first, I was disgusted. I didn't want to hear about it. While watching movies with erotic scenes, I would CURL UP in a corner and remain silent until it was finished.

I was HORRIFIED. That... this thing could happen to me as well... was a really scary perspective. I thought I was broken. That I didn't deserve love. That ANY relationship I would have (my loneliness and depression made me CRAVE human interaction) would come with sex and that ALL my partners would FORCE me into sexual activities.

So... I stayed single. At the age of nineteen, I've never been in a relationship once. I don't understand how couples come together so easily (not that I'm against it, it's just... that I would like things to be a bit slower, you know, so I can get used to it and know the person better, so that I won't dump them after only a couple of months), and I didn't feel romantic relationships around many people (only two in my life, two guys who were already my friends before). But still, I felt desperate... and alone.

Last year, as I was mindlessly browsing random things on Youtube, I found the term, "asexual". And then I felt at peace. Only 1% of the population is like me, but heck, I was not alone anymore, and I saw people explaining to me things about myself, and asexuals, just like me, being in a happy, stable relationship. I also found the term "demi-romantic". And I finally thought, "yes, this is my identity. thanks Youtube !"
(Update : An asexual person is someone not experiencing sexual attraction to any gender. They can still have arousal/masturbate/have a libido, they just won't convey it towards one person. Some of them are okay with sex and others *like me hahaha* are repulsed by it. A demi-romantic is someone experiencing romantic attraction, but only under certain circumstances, like having an emotional connection with the partner, being close/friends before dating, ect... From that, you can deduce that demi-sexuals can have sexual attraction under certain circumstances and aromantic people don't experience romantic attraction. P.S. : romantic and sexual attractions are NOT related, e.g. an aromantic is not NECESSARILY an asexual and an asexual is not NECESSARILY an aromantic. Don't swap things around, m'kay ?)

If only sex ed had taught me that. This would have spared me four LONG years of agony and misunderstandings. Four years of believing that something was wrong with me, of staying away from everyone, being scared of people who wanted to be closer to me. And THIS was wrong. If sex ed taught children, even at a young age, all sexualities and spectrums, and all types of genders, maybe people wouldn't have to face depressed, lonely, scared teenagers being afraid of THEMSELVES and who they are to conform to a cis-normative, hetero-normative world, and sometimes, *may they rest in peace as I will ALWAYS remember them* teenagers committing suicide because this world doesn't understand them or doesn't accept them. And if this world accepted EVERY HUMAN BEING as being HUMAN, like everybody else, maybe it would be a better place for those who don't follow "the most common route". I was finally taught by people from the Internet that I wasn't abnormal of freaky, but just... different. And the most important, myself.

Also, sex ed hadn't taught me that you could love EVERYBODY, regardless of genders. As I support IMMENSELY bisexual and pansexual people because of the erasure they have to face everyday, I didn't know that I could be like this myself. In sex ed, they say "most people are hetero, but a little number are homo, look at those freaks" *gosh I HATE these people*. They never say "love what you want and who you want". As I had only two guy crushes in my life, I thought I was totally hetero.

Second time that I was wrong.

Now, the only thing I am looking for is a wonderful, dedicated partner (regardless of gender), whom I will love with MY ENTIRE BEING and who will love me the same way in return. Gosh, just LET ME LIVE HAPPILY and also give me some love.
(Update : I wanted to add my personal definition of pan. What I mean by pan is that I do NOT discriminate by gender when I'm dating. OBVIOUSLY that I care about my partner's gender, it's just that I will never tell someone : "Oh, you're this or that gender, what a pity, I don't date your gender.". If I don't want to date someone, it will be because of another reason, like "You're not my type.", or "I don't feel this way.". Just saying.)

And some pizza, maybe. :3

Okay, long post, but I REALLY wanted to vent about it ! I still haven't come out to my family, but I may do so one day ! (Maybe once I find a partner, I don't know.)

See you soon for another post ! And as usual, our last word... KIDNEYS !