The Gay Fantasy

The Gay Fantasy

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, since I've started writing lesbian romance (and I have tons of ideas piling up on my computer right now), I've noticed a couple of things concerning my queerness that I wanted to discuss about...

So here it comes. The gay fantasy. A compilation of feelings and thoughts coming up as I bash away words at my keyboard. Here is a list of a few of them :

1. the shame : I mean, loads of straight people write straight romance for a straight audience, so why not me ? I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just a different type of love, between two girls. If people read straight romance all the time just to see a man and a woman fuck on paper, why wouldn't anyone read gay women falling in love with each other ? It's stupid and I know it, but I can't help but be a little it afraid of what I'm putting out there, just in case someone wouldn't understand how normal it is to be gay and to write about gays.
2. you're not gay enough ! : I mean, I've probably seen this a lot around me when it comes to multi-sexual people, and since I'm pan, I'm a part of it, right ? At the same time, I'm telling myself, wow, thank God I still like boys, because I can still pretend I'm straight to avoid homophobia around me, but at the same time, I'm like thank God I'm proud of liking girls because pride is the only good thing coming with my queer identity. I guess I'll never get around it.
3. the pride : I mean, if I'm writing about lesbians and queer girls falling in love with each other, it's because in the end, I want it to happen to me. Since pride is the only thing left after all the hatred and ignorance and straight-up bigotry, I'm like I just want a girlfriend to see the horror in their eyes, I want them to be in shock while I'm correcting the pronouns of my romantic partner, I want them to shiver in fear and look at me like I'm something they can't change because I'm gay, and you can just go fuck yourselves if you hate me for it. Which is completely stupid, because I'm pan, and in the end, I'd be happy no matter the gender of my romantic partner. And I know that even if I end up with a boyfriend, I'll be happy, because I would love him and he would love me and that would be it.
4. the future of my writing : Last but not least, I'm horribly monogamous (I believe that's because I've never been in a relationship). I feel like I would turn myself to girls and not boys just to justify my queerness. Am I fetishising lesbians and queer girls in general ? Would I still be allowed to write lesbian stories if I had a boyfriend ? Would he believe that I'm « cheating » on him with these characters and that I would be keeping him to look straight when I'm « just a lesbian in denial » ? Would he feel like I'm with him because he's a boy and I'm hiding my queerness when in actuality, I'm just craving another girl ?

I don't even know. Being multi-sexual is so complicated and I don't even know what to do about it. What scares me the most is that I could be falling in love with anyone... and I'm thinking about all the straight boys fetishising on queer girls and who just want to fuck one because it's just a challenge to them, the lesbians telling me that I will probably cheat on them with a boy as soon as I can because obviously, in the end, I'm either a cheating slut with no manners (which is stupid, because I'm a demi-romantic asexual, so before I cheat on you, it would take fucking determination, besides, I would never do that, because just finding one lover is hard enough for me, so where do you think I would find a second one ?), or that I'm still looking for the perfect husband to have children with. Overall bad stories because of this mother-f*cking internalised biphobia/panphobia...

What do you think ? Are you bi/poly/pan yourself ? And have you experienced this kind of problems in your life ? Please tell me your stories !

Okay, that's it for today, I really hope you enjoyed this post and I'll see you very soon with a new one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !