Social Awareness or Gender Confusion ???

Social Awareness or Gender Confusion ???

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, lately I've been reading and learning a lot about the gender binary, the non-binary indentities and all of that jazz, and I felt like something was clicking inside of me, and I only started to know why.

After a few months of learning stuff on the Internet, I realised that the word girl didn't really represent me, and when I was thinking about my gender, I was only thinking about me, not, "i'm 100% sure i'm a girl, thanks.". And I started thinking about it all the time...

Do I consider myself a girl JUST because I have a vagina ?

Is it because of the societal norms of being cisgender ?

Why am I questioning this ? Am I a girl, in the end ??? Or NOT ???

I didn't seem to find any answers to my questions, and even less someone I could relate to.

Until I saw this video pop up in my sub feed.

I watched this video made by the lovely Ashley Mardell : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onre5CbOWCs and I realised something that I've been thinking about a lot recently.

Me picking down my hair and thinking "wow, too feminine. i want to RIP IT OFF CUT IT DOWN TO RAGS DIE DIE DIE STUPID FLOOF OF HAIR !!!"

(which I'm not doing yet because I still have to grow it out for charity. once it's done, I'll have it very short and I won't feel like it's a burden anymore.)

Me hating my boobs and wanting them to disappear because they are SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE !!! too feminine !!! why do i have this STUPID FAT THINGS ON MY CHEST ???

(but at the same time they're so small ??? like i feel like i shouldn't complain. there are probably trans men who would love to trade their big chests with mine... but in the meantime, i quite like their sexiness, but is it because of the male gaze and the fact that I'm viewed as a sex object because of them ???)

and at first I thought this was just my "feminist-but-also-misandrist-af" side that was like gender is a social construct !!! don't obey the norms !!! be deviant af !!! don't be a girl because it's weak !!! be more masculine, it will give you extra strength and you'll be FINALLY valuated as a person !!!

also I feel like pride mother-FUCKERS !!! be a girl because being a girl is STRONG AF !!!

I don't even know, I found the word demi-girl the other day and I found it quite cool and suiting me, and I wish I had the guts to change my gender pronouns from she to she/they, but I feel like it would be too much of a change... besides, people would be like yeah, you're probably doing it to sound "cool" or for attention or whatever.

Conclusion : the question I'm asking is, am I ashamed of being a girl/having a vagina because I'm thinking about the weakness and the inequalities of my gender, but also I am proud of being a girl. You know, it's the pride of the minority, of being like f*ck y'all and your priviledge i'll never have.

In the end, I'm a very confused, androgynous girl who loves wearing flannels and dresses and I don't know what to do. I still feel like a girl, it's just... not all the time ??? Like sometimes I feel a little bit non-binary ??? Most of the time I feel I am a girl but then sometimes the negative feelings come back (could be body dysmorphia because I'd like to have a completely flat chest, short hair and also I really hate my voice as I find it too squeaky and I noticed I've been talking way less to strangers recently, I'm only really open in front of my relatives, but also gender dysphoria as I don't really identify as a cisgender girl anymore ???) and I'm feeling so powerless and I wish my problems could be solved in a moment as I even sometimes identify as agender (almost. wow what a f*cking prat coming up with her new identity like a new pair of socks bought the night before !!!).

SOMEONE HELP ME PLZ. I don't understand, not even myself.

If I could have some of your help guys, it'd be awesome, thanks.

Okay, that's it for today ! I really hope you understand my struggles and I'll see you very soon with another post !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !