Tide High, Tide Low

Tide High, Tide Low | How I can't regulate my emotions

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, here's another shitty post about my personal problems but I've found something interesting while reading Misery from Stephen King (review coming up as soon as I finished it btw) : the main character, Paul Sheldon, describes his mental state as a « tide high, tide low » situation, and he's alright when it's high because it hides things in the water and he's not when it's low because there are menacing things coming outside of the sand (if I remember correctly, it's a mettalic object that looks like a jaw or something like that).

But I would like to use that image for a personal problem : my emotional regulation.

What I mean by that is that when the tide is high, there are SO MANY emotions going through my mind, joy and sadness, anger and guilt, hopes and fears, expectations and disappointments, illusions and delusions, and so on. I am drowning in those emotions because they are represented by the water around me, and I'm suffocating in them. And it feels just like a whirlwind of things that I can't escape. The main consequence is that I care too much when the tide is high, and I tend to have too much empathy and hurt myself to help others during these moments.

But when the tide is low, the only thing left is the dry sand. I am numb, emotionless, I don't feel anything AT ALL. My mind just becomes a blank page where nothing is written. The water has left me, I can breathe and, unlike when the tide is high, actually function in society. But I've lost my empathy and I just don't care anymore. Here, the main consequence is that I put myself first and people notice that my empathy has gone away, so they think I'm just a very whiny self-centered selfish little b*tch and then they leave me behind.

But the main problem isn't my total inability to control my own emotions : the main issue, in my opinion, is that in EVERY case, whatever the tide is high or low, I ALWAYS feel guilty for the state I'm in. If the tide is low, I'll blame myself for not feeling anything at all and being a heartless and emotionless little living corpse. If the tide is high, I'll feel SO MUCH PAIN that I'll just want it to go away and I'll blame myself for being unable to cope with these feelings.

Alright, I think that's it. Oh, and last thing : just like the tides in the ocean, it changes MULTIPLE times everyday. And it doesn't show on my face, so people talking to me NEVER know if the tide is high or low when they come up to me.

Anyone else has this problem ?

Anyways, that's it for today ! I hope that you enjoyed this post and I'll see you very soon with another one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !