A Countdown To Happiness

A Countdown To Happiness

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was on YouTube (as I go there everyday, it isn't a big surprise, right ?), and I watched this video by Anna Akana, called "I Don't Deserve To Be Depressed", that really hit close to home.

(link is here if you want to watch it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8BzpU7Xfok)

Because I've been depressed since I was 14 years old. When I realised how depressed I was and how it affected my life, I was always telling myself excuses, excuses, excuses, tons of them.

I was telling myself : "Well, you're in high-school, it doesn't matter. You're just tired because you have to wake up at six every morning and you have to take the bus at seven and you finish at six in the evening and you arrive home at seven and no one is home anyways because everybody works and you end up with too much stress because of your exams !"

and then I was telling myself : "Well you're in a very stressful uni to have competitions to enter a business school it doesn't matter anyways because it'll be over soon ! I mean you have friends over there who stay all week and even during the week-end with you so it's okay if you're a little bit depressed you can talk to them at the very least !"

I felt like my life was a countdown to happiness.

A countdown to the end of the week, to the next holidays, to the end of the year. I was telling myself that at the end of the week, I'd be free. At the end of a school period, I'd be free. At the end of the year, I'd be free.

I always saw happiness at the end of something. Like, going out of high-school would make me happy. Going out of uni to go to my business school would make me happy. That the end of something, the end of an era, would magically cure my depression and all my problems.

I thought that going to a business school would cure my depression.

And now, I just feel ungrateful and sh*tty because I'm at my dream school. I don't have that much work to produce and I love all subjects I'm learning (except accounting, I'll never get around it smh), and my teachers are great, and I'm living in my little cozy appartment, alone, and I can do whatever the f*ck I want without feeling judged by anyone.

Heck, I can even eat whatever I want without being judged. (Maybe I should eat less soy products for that matter hahaha !!!)

I'm going very well, thank you. I'm on my way to my dream job and my dream life and everything is very good even if it's stressing me out sometimes.

And yet, I'm still depressed.

I can't sleep at night before midnight, and I have to wake up at six on some mornings (thank God on others I can wake up at like, eight) and I have to prepare my food and go to school. Showering is hard, eating is hard, I've put cooking to next week because I'm so lazy, going outside is hard. My favourite days are still the ones where I can stay in pyjamas all day and do nothing besides scrolling the Internet.

And now, I'm having another countdown to happiness : the one until which I leave my business school and start my real company and my dream job ! (or the closer one to go back home this summer to see my family, especially my little brother.)

And I feel like this is gonna stay like this forever ??? Like I'll keep putting my happiness on hold, I can't seem to go anywhere even if I know the path by now, and I'm afraid this situation will last until I die lonely without feeling loved even once outside of my family.

(Is it sad to say that my little brother, who's six years younger than me, is the only person I can call a friend, my only friend, my best friend, and so much more ? *cringes forever*)

I feel like I don't deserve to be helped anyways. I mean, people have it worse, I could be happy if I chose too, my mom doesn't understand and tells me to go outside and seek friendship among the people that I don't even like anyways, she tells me to visit the region a little bit before leaving because I won't be able to go there soon after and the place, I must admit, is truly beautiful...

And that's the reason I feel ungrateful and sh*tty for being "still depressed". Because no matter how hard I'm telling myself that I'm getting better and "recovering", I'm not.

Anyways. I'll just go and find some distraction. That solves depression, right ? *awkward laughter*

I'll see you soon with something new (my "Our Common Nature" should be here this month but idek if I'll have the courage to do it tbh) and goodbye !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !