I Have *Self-Diagnosed* BPD

I Have *Self-Diagnosed* BPD

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, sorry if i haven't been posting things lately on this blog, it's mainly because I've been posting reviews of LGBTQ+ related things on my culture club on Tumblr (which is here : http://arcobalenocultureclub.tumblr.com/).

Anyways. Here's another revelation, that maybe some people won't accept, but I've finally come comfortable with it, so why not make a blog post about it ?

A couple of months ago, I was on YouTube (how original). And some videos were recommended to me about Borderline Personality Disorder (don't even ask me how, YouTube works in special ways that I'll probably never understand anyways). I was like, yeah, why these ones ?

And then I watched them. I finally realised that maybe, YouTube isn't that dumb, after all (it was also the platform on which I discovered my asexuality, so it's pretty damn good). So, I kept looking for more resources on the matter, and read dozens of articles.

I didn't really want to be like, « yeah, I can relate to all of these symptoms, therefore I must have it ». All the articles that I read about the subject read that if I wanted to be diagnosed with BPD, I had to get « a proper diagnosis given by a mental health specialist ». Not only I don't have the money to pay a psychiatrist for such a diagnosis, but also the money that I would use wouldn't even be mine ; it would be my mom's, who's so worried about me already that I feel like I don't even want to put a bigger burden on her shoulders.

And therefore, I was like, « yeah, I don't have BPD. I'm just emotionally unstable, that's all. »

(When the other name for BPD is LITERALLY « Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder » ??? Wow, Mary. You used the other name of this mental illness while thinking it was something unrelated !!! I know, I'm such a champ.)

I kept looking for more articles, and kept realising that I definitely HAD BPD. I've been doing this since last year, and I keep doing it. The stigma around this mental illness is high, but I couldn't hide the truth anymore.

But at the very least, I learnt so many things during these researches, and many of my feelings now have a common factor that is BPD. So I decided to take the nine criteria and show you the ones i can relate to and the ones I can't.

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. My fear of abandonment is real and my mom saying « You know I won't be there for you forever. » makes me so nervous because I don't know how I will do without her (and I'm almost twenty, ffs !!!). I cry everytime I have to leave my family for an extended period of time and I'm envious of the life they get without me. Do they get envious of mine ? No, but I'm still thinking they're better off me anyways.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is pretty real though. I'm literally avoiding commitment for this reason, because everytime I think a person is good for me, they end up making fun of me behind my back, and when I realise it, I hate them so much I just want to kill them. Or smash their head against a wall, I don't know.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self. This is also the real deal, although I am coming to terms about it now, and I seem to have a clearer plan now that what I had six months ago. My persona online is the closest of my real self you'll ever get, so you're probably luckier than irl people who get a fabricated persona that I arrange according to the occasion and the people I am in front of.

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. Hahaha. Spending and me. Me and spending. Literally since I have my own bank account, I (sometimes) buy stuff, just because I want them. The thing is, I don't have money. Thirty euros here, thirty euros there, and I'm going bankrupt before the end of the month. Thank God my mom reminds me of not spending too much. Money burns my hands. Sometimes I manage to save some, but it's just to spend it on a bigger thing that requires more money. But really, if my credit card wasn't blocked when I reach 0, God knows what I'd be doing.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. I don't self-harm in the sense that many people assume, but I've had urges to do that anyways. I have eating disorders that I use to « harm myself on the inside » and suicidal thoughts are common.

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Anxiety ? Who are you calling ? I am the queen of anxiety that lasts a few hours, if not a few days. As I said, I am an emotional roller-coaster.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness. Hahaha. Me and the Void™. We are good pals now. But yeah, even if I have many emotions, the most common one is « nothing ». Literally.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). You called the Empress of Anger™ !!! People literally call me cr*zy for it !!! (and they're being ultra-ableist at the same time, which is ultra-yucky) Anyways. I am angry for the smallest thing. No, Kevin, you can't touch my booklet or I'll kick you in the face. You're going to deterioriate it and I will kill you afterwards. What do you mean you want me to let you pass so you can reach your seat, Laura ? Why are you being SO F*CKING LATE IN THE FIRST PLACE !!! Go elsewhere or I'll f*cking kick you.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Paranoia is one of my other good friends, and when I'm stressed out, it's even worse. A clicking sound in my apartment ? THAT'S IT I HAVE COCKROACHES GOING DOWN THE F*CKING WALL I AM INVADED AND WILL BE EATEN ALIVE DURING MY SLEEP AND IF I SURVIVE THE OWNER WILL KILL ME BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF CARE IN HIS APPARTMENT SO I'M DEAD ANYWAYS !!!!! And then I check everything and I found nothing (it was just the cricking sound of the heating). Phew. Ever since I saw a couple of insects flying around, I'm seriously thinking I'm invaded. About the dissociation, I don't really know. But when I'm stressed out, I often feel like the world around me isn't real, or that I'm in a virtual game or something. I don't know if it's related but anyways, I just wanted to add this.

And that's pretty much it ! I can relate to almost every symptom, and these are just the nine main criteria (I'm extremely aware of the fact that there are many more symptoms and BPD varies to each person and is different for every individual suffering from it, but it would be too long to explain all the stuff that's going inside of my head).

Anyways. I hope you will understand. There are many people who are anti self-dx, but I'm telling them, it's pretty damn sad to tell people you don't have the mental illness when one of the criteria is also « not believing you have the mental illness and having a brain that makes you believe you don't have it », which happened to me for a couple of months before I realised that I had it, indeed !

To those who are pro self-dx : I love you so much, thanks for your inclusion, I feel better about myself knowin I feel validated (which is another criteria, once again) and that I have people I can relate to (since I don't have the money for therapy).

I will try to post more but also write my next short lesbian stories so maybe look everywhere I post and you'll probably find me somewhere on the Internet ! (but knowing my finals for the second semester are coming up, I probably won't. I apologise in advance then.)

Okay, that's it for today ! I really hope you enjoyed this post and I will see you very soon (hopefully) with a new one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!