Psychological Self-Harm

Psychological Self-Harm

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, today I'm not going to talk about something cute. It's something that has been going on since the beginning of this year, maybe last year, I don't even remember when it actually, properly started. And it's something that has affected my life in so many ways that you can't imagine.

(I'm ALL here for the people who are about to tell me : « But hey, it's not as bad as physical self-harm ! Stop complaining about your little sorry ass while I'm covered in scars ! You just want to have pity and compassion ! Sh*t the f*ck up no one wants to listen to you anyways ! », because it is as important as physical self-harm.)

I'm talking about psychological self-harm (as said in the title).

You know, about triggers that happen sometimes ? You see something, it reminds you of an unpleaseant fact about yourself or a memory from far away in the past coming up to haunt you and DESTROY you. Usually, there are trigger warnings to prevent you from bumping into those elements that could trigger anxiety, or even a panic attack. If you're a normally constitued human being, you try to run away from these triggers. You don't just go into them for fun.

But that's what I do, unfortunately. I don't avoid triggers, I purposedly go into them and I keep triggering myself. To me, it feels like stabbing my own mind.

I'm lonely and friendless ?

Why don't I go to these blogs talking about the AMAZING THINGS friendships can give you ! And be EXTREMELY JEALOUS AT THE SAME TIME WITH NO ADDITIONAL CHARGES ???

I'm afraid of dying lonely and not having the « one in a million » best friend/soulmate ?

Why don't I read posts about you should TELL THESE MOTHER-F*CKING LUCKY PEOPLE that you ENVY them, that EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THEIRS AND IT'S NOT HAPPENING AND PEOPLE SPEND THEIR ENTIRE LIVES LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT ONE AND NEVER FIND THEM ???

I'm pathetic, undeserving, unworthy of love, affection and friends ?

Why don't I reblog EVERYTHING related to depression quotes/loneliness quotes and act as GROSS and DISGUSTING on my own blogs and NEVER GET HEARD ANYWAYS BECAUSE NO ONE F*CKING CARES ???

And it's just like that everyday since. I'm just HORRIFIC and no one reads my stuff anyways. This is psychological self-harm. It's a nagging little creature in your head, your dark passenger, trying to tell you thousands of lies you end up believing because there's no one out there to tell you the truth.

That you're not alone.

That you've NEVER been and that you'll NEVER be.

That you ALWAYS have someone in your life, even if you think it's not the case.

That people support you. That people care about you. That people LOVE you.

It shouldn't matter if you don't have someone for now.

This state of mind won't last forever.

Sometimes, you need some little sentences like :

You WILL make it.

I'm SO proud of you for your accomplishments and I'm VERY supportive for things to come next.

You are PERFECT just the way you are.

You may not be flawless but no one is. Our flaws MAKE US perfect and unique.

Your current state is NOT your final one.

You MATTER. You BELONG here with everyone else. You belong as much as anyone else.

You are wanted and loved. Even if you don't believe it. There's ALWAYS someone thinking about you in a good way. Even if you did just a little thing for them.

You know, the other day, I asked myself this question about motivational speeches and sentences we needed to hear. Why is it so hard to give yourself the pep talk before crashing down in tears when someone else tells you the same speech ?

I think I finally found the answer. It may be a little bit negative, but here's my theory : when you're trying to give yourself the pep talk, the dark passenger is still in your head, trying to give you counter-arguments. It's like the fight between the angel and the demon sitting in your mind. In the end, the demon always win because of your mental illness. Mainly, people who have never experienced it can't really understand because their angel is the one winning all the time.

But when others are giving you the pep talk, they don't see the dark passenger. They only see the angel and not the demon. When they try to motivate you, they see the good and not the bad.

Why don't you try this yourself when you need to give yourself the pep talk ?

(Or at the very least try to diminish the impact of the demon to let the angel win...)

Okay, that's it for today ! I really hope you enjoyed this post and I'll see you very soon with another one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !