Am I Heartless ?

Am I Heartless ?

Reflections on aromanticism, amatonormativity and the “couple pressure”.

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, as you guys probably know (and I've made a post about it on this blog already), I am a pan demi-romantic asexual. And I know that sometimes, it's just not easy to remind yourself that being who I am is actually... very normal. For the first eighteen years of my life, I've been SO confused about my sexuality, and my sexual orientation, that I didn't know what to think about it.

And even nowadays that I finally have the label that suits me the best, I still struggle to keep it normal. My sexuality and sexual orientation keep fluctuating and what/who I want keeps changing as well. And I've felt romantic attraction only twice in my life, to the point that I almost can relate to the aromantic people out there. I mean, I am still craving for a romantic relationship, but until then, I feel nothing. Towards no one. EVER.

What used to hurt me the most (and it still does sometimes) is some people telling me things along the lines of :

“But... are you in a relationship ?”

“ Do you even have a boyfriend or not ?”

“ Have you ever been in a relationship ?”

“ But isn't there anyone you're interested in right now ?”

“ Don't you just have a crush out there in the world ?”

And then the question popped up in my head. Am I heartless ? For not feeling anything towards anyone ? For being nineteen and still a virgin who's never been in a relationship ? For not having “a romantic relationship (preferably with a boy to please this heteronormative society I live in)” in my priorities ? For being single and proud ? For putting myself first before a relationship that could hurt me, or even destroy me ?

And then, the question stayed. Am I heartless ?

“ How come you're almost twenty and you've never been in a relationship ?”

“ Ding dong two decades of a lonely life...”

“ You're going to end up alone ! You're going to DIE alone !”

are the nagging thoughts in my head right now. And then won't leave me. They just don't want to.

And then the question didn't want to leave my mind. Am I heartless ?

But you know what ? I don't give a single f*ck anymore. First of all, aromantics (and to a certain extent, people on the aro spectrum) are capable of love. Love is more than the romances that I am FED UP with everyday. Platonic love is as strong as any other love out there. This is how I understood the word amatonormativity. The word just means “the assumption that everyone is looking for a monogamous, centered, exclusive and romantic relationship, and that this kind of relationship is preferred to any other relationship type”.

It's just another word to say “romantic bullsh*t you have to live with everyday”, me says. This “couple pressure” that society has put me in ? I don't want to hear it anymore. So, to answer the question: Am I heartless ?, the answer is no. Obviously. I just see things from a different perspective. Maybe that one day, I'll find the one. I'll get in a romantic relationship and things will be amazing. But until then ? Oh my god, PLEASE spare me your romantic bullsh*t. Thank you very much.

Oh, and little addition : I just wanted to add the fact that aromantics don't necessarily end up alone. You know, they have a little something called a “queer-platonic relationship”. Just look it up, you might learn something today.

Okay, that's it for today ! I hope that you enjoyed this post and I will see you very soon with another one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !