LGBTQ+ Fans Deserve Better

LGBTQ+ Fans Deserve Better

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, here's something that I realised recently, when it comes to LGBTQ+ representation in the media, the trope « Bury Your Gays » is way more present than I ever thought. But you know who gets killed the most often ?

Queer girls.

Basically, here's an article that I found about queer girls dying : https://www.autostraddle.com/all-65-dead-lesbian-and-bisexual-characters-on-tv-and-how-they-died-312315/

Compared to the list of queer girls who had a happy ending : https://www.autostraddle.com/all-26-lesbian-and-bisexual-tv-characters-who-got-happy-endings-331601/

The chances of having a happy ending when you're a queer girl on TV is pretty slim.

Now, let's review all the nasty clichés and interpretations of the deaths of these queer girls to understand something that could be related to it : PATRIARCHY.

So, first of all, we can see there are three ways that a queer girl generally dies :

1. Killed by a man that she rejected, by sword, by bullet, by arrow, by any basic mortal injury ever. (Which is basically the patriarchal way of getting rid of a woman who doesn't need men at the moment and who wants to reject unwanted sexual harassment). Oh, and you can count car « accidents » caused by men, too.
2. Suicide. Because obviously, every queer girl ever is suicidal, wants to brutally harm themselves, believes they are the only one on planet Earth, and so on. (Man, the only thing I thought about today was how gay the sky looked. Whatever.)
3. Something selfless. Or cancer. Because obiously, we can't have selfish and long lives. It's either « dies in the explosion of a bomb to save thousands of people » or « sacrifices herself to save people on a spaceship », or cancer. Whatever.

Oh, and you want some MORE tropes to add to this ? Here are some !!!

1. The « dies horribly in the girlfriend's arms while muttering confessions of love » trope !!!
2. The « I can't live without my girlfriend because she died in a car accident, was murdered or died of cancer, therefore I'll kill myself and die too !!! » trope !!!
3. The « why kill only one when you can kill TWO » trope !!!
4. The « but it was an accident » trope !!!
5. The « but it shows that nobody's safe » trope !!! *proceeds to never kill a straight character EVER*

Have you noticed something ? Well, the list of dead queer girls is rising WAAAAAY faster than the one with the happy endings. And it's NOT okay. But I believe there's a reason for all of that !!!

It's called the PATRIARCHY !!!

Or basically, cishet men are so fragile that the very bare concept of women living together and not needing them anymore is threatening to their over-power and masculinity and deity complex, and therefore, they kill all of them in the media because they just happen to hate women who can have meaningful, healthy relationships that don't include them !

(Oh, and have you seen the « stupid » ways of getting someone out ? Like « heart attack during plastic surgery » or « licks poisoned letter paper ». Wow. Isn't there a better way to die to be honest ? *heavy sarcasm*)

Anyways, I really hope you enjoyed this video, and I'll see you very soon with a new one.

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

Dear Lesbians...

Dear Lesbians...

(tw : biphobia, transphobia, cheating, awful stereotypes, please tell me if more)

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, here's a little thing that I wanted to get off my chest for a very long time. Recently, I've been watching a lot of lesbians on YouTube, and I've found out about a couple of things that I don't like really much. So, here's the list of these things written to those lesbians that I hate so f*cking much.

Dear Lesbians,

How come you complain about « how hot » straight girls are, wanting to date & sleep with them, and literally fetishising them and wanting them to turn magically lesbians, but just for you, but when you find out that a girl you fancy really much and who happens to be the girl of your dreams, is actually bisexual, you turn her down, just on the pretext that « she might turn back to men » ?

That's what I call « the lesbian paradox ».

Because unless your « straight girl » happens to be a lesbian in the closet, waiting for the right moment to come out (and it's still very rare !!!), you won't have much chances of turning her gay as a straight man has chances of turning you straight.

Why don't you focus, instead, on the girls who actually love you, who are attracted to your gender, who are WOMEN LOVING WOMEN, even when they're bi/poly/pan ?

If my statistics are correct, a straight girl will have much more chances of running after the first dude she happens to be attracted to, and leave you with your broken heart.

While I understand that some « straight girls » lead you on and manipulate your feelings and then run after the first guy she sets her eyes on, comparing bisexual girls and other multi-sexual girls to the stereotypes of « cheating », « liar », « confused », « greedy », and so on, is deeply biphobic and needs to stop.

Secondly, when you equate your lesbianism with your hatred of penises, you're trans-misogynistic. Let me tell you : when you talk about dudes, you talk about penises that you obviously hate so f*cking much. When you talk about ladies, you talk about vaginas, which you adore. This point of view is deeply cissexist and also needs to stop.

Please don't turn down a trans girl because she has a penis. You should watch « Her Story », an one-hour drama in six short episodes that explain the dating lives of queer and trans women. At the beginning, Violet, a bisexual & trans woman, finds many men willing to date her, but no women. Don't be the transphobic one telling her « she's not a real woman ». It's BULLSHIT.

Last but not least, I don't understand the meaning of being a « gold star lesbian ». Just because you never dated anyone else but girls doesn't make you better than any other woman loving women, and it doesn't increase your dating value. Why do you need a gold star ? It definitely doesn't justify your « disgust » when one of your ex-« girlfriends » ends up being one of your ex-boyfriends (basically you dated a closeted trans man. Yes, « gold star lesbian » !!! You dated a MAAAAAN !!! No more « gold star » for you !!!).

Also don't be « disgusted » when one of your ex-girlfriends end up dating men. If she's bi/poly/pan, LET HER LIVE !!! She isn't in your life anymore. Her feelings are her own and shouldn't be controlled by you. She hasn't « cheated » on you since you BROKE UP !!!

In the end, I'm so f*cking disgusted at your « purist » point of view. I'll end this letter by reminding you that LESBIANS ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMEN WHO LOVE WOMEN !!!!! Please respect ALL women who love women. Putting us in a « seperate box » because we aren't lesbians end up with me (and probably more of us) wanting to date other bi/poly/pan people, because apparently, we have less bias when it comes to love.

Can't you just accept us as women loving women and include us in your sapphic pride ?

A cute little pan girl who loves women A LOOOOOT.

(P.S. : Sappho was BISEXUAL !!!!! hahahaha suck on that LESBIANS !!!!!)

Alright, that's it for today ! I really hope you enjoyed this post and I'll see you very soon with another one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

The Productive Day

The Productive Day

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, a couple weeks ago, I downloaded this app for the mentally ill people called BoosterBuddy™, and since, I've used it everyday, as a sort of lifeline, to be able to confess my mood and do some little tasks to make me feel better about myself. And as much as I wanted to be totally honest with my « checking-in » (that I usually do everyday right after work), I realised something about my mood.

That my mood is related to my productivity on that day.

Basically, the most work I get done (no matter if it's the important stuff or the completely useless tasks), the better I'll see my mood. I'll see myself in a more positive way if I check more things on a list (even if it's not the things I need to get done), and sometimes, I'll even invent myself useless tasks just for the mere feeling of « getting things done ».

Living in a world where our value and our position in society is measured by our productivity and the things we manage to get done in a limited amount of time, is truly a world that is terribly ableist, and your productivity/the things you managed to get done in a day shouldn't determine your worth to society and people around you.

It's like, if I get many things done during the day, I'll consider my day to be good. If I don't do many things, I'll consider my day to be a « loss day ». Especially with the arrival of new technologies that improved our productivity, we are constantly told to be present 24/7, to be constantly capable of doing everything and anything, and people take work home more and more often. They don't even have me-time, time to relax and chill.

So, if you're thinking about all of this, maybe you should take a break. After all, people in the past weren't required to be functional all the time, why would you right now ?

Go watch that movie. Visit the friends you've always wanted to talk to. Take a walk in the park that smells so good. Or just chill in your bed while watching YouTube. You probably need some rest. Your productivity shouldn't be the measure of your worth.

Because you don't need that to prove your worth. Your only existence is already proof of your infinite worth and that's it.

Alright, that's it for today ! I really hope you enjoyed this post and I'll see you very soon with a next one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !

The « 90's Kids Paradox »

The « 90's Kids Paradox »

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, I just watched a video made by the lovely Salma Mo about nostalgia (here's the link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUGAGwj1gGc) and it made me think about how our generation uses the word « nostalgia » more than the previous ones.

And then I realised why.

First of all, Salma had very good points about how, firstly, we are young ; and five years is way bigger to us than to our parents or grand-parents. When we get older, obviously, we see time as something shorter and less significant. When I tell my mom about how « nostalgic » I feel about my life five or ten years ago, she says she doesn't remember it because it's less important to her. And in a sense, she's right ; I'm turning twenty this year, and she turned fifty last year, so obiviously, five years is barely one-tenth of her life, and to me, it's a quarter, which is more significant.

Secondly, our generation, unlike our parents and grand-parents, live in an ever-changing world. In only twenty years, we got the Internet, cellphones, laptops, social media, highly-functioning portable and house gaming consoles, and so on. We had to adapt ourselves in a very short period of time, which makes our generation even more nostalgic about things that change so quickly.

But in a second point, I'd like to add more things. The other day, I was talking on Tumblr about how « the 90's kids » will, in a sense, always be a generation that is seperated from the others. We grew up in a very different environment that we now live in ; the changes all happened in our childhoods and when we were teenagers, which makes it even easier to see the nostalgia settle in.

I'll repeat the example I used in one of my posts : I was born in 1996, among the last « 90's kids ». I grew up playing outside with friends, playing with Pokémon cards, marbles, and scoubidous. The utter delight was the candy our parents would give us and that we would share with all our friends at school, which would determine our level of « coolness » (I never got the candies so I was a little bit envious to be honest). We had Game Boys, but no cellphones before we were teenagers, and we would spend a lot of time outside. Now take my little brother, who was born in 2002 ; he grew up with agaming console in his hands, always playing video-games. Children get cellphones earlier and earlier and they also get on social media earlier, which makes their life somehow dependent on it (and I will admit, my life is also dependent on it right now). Even a friend of his, who was born in 2000, is drastically different in her upbringing than me. To summarise, just a few years can make a big difference.

Basically, we are stuck between two time periods ; our parents who grew up non-tech and our younger siblings and children, who are growing up all-tech. My cousins are five and seven ; they had an I-Pad and their parents' cellphone since the moment they could touch them. I'm not judging anything, by the way ; I'm just seeing the differences between my upbringing and theirs.

In the end, we are notalgic for our parents' generation that we had a glimpse of, before being kicked out and pushed towards our siblings' generation, who will probably will never feel this feeling of nostalgia and alienation from the other generations. It's also the same for economic opportunities and the job market ; schools won't adapt themselves to the new market and keep ancient, useless techniques of teaching (that bans tech from class and exams, which is ridiculous when you know that in the real job place, you'll have Google and helps everywhere), and create graduates that aren't fit to the new created job positions.

About opportunities, let's blame the financial crisis of 2008 for fucking up your kids' future by ruining the economy, leaving thousands of young people with no job, starving on the streets. Before the crisis, the 90's kids had been brought up with the bright idea of our parents' generation ; work sufficiently and doors will be open. Go to university, have a couple of internships, and amazing jobs will be offered to you. Have moderate to high productivity, and you'll be promoted. But let's face it ; now, it's impossible to have an equal life to our parents. Our generation is the first one since the 1940's who will see a decrease of their quality of life compared to the previous generation. And our kids will only see worse, if the people in charge today (our parents) aren't willing to see the change and act accordingly (but they'll never do it because it doesn't benefit to them).

But at the very least, our younger siblings and everyone who will come afterwards will know about it. They won't be brought up on the illusion of a great life. They'll know how fucked up the world really is, and while it's saddening that we'll have to do this, we'll have to literally raise our kids against each other in a sort of melee to see who's the Chosen One™ to have the Golden Ticket™ to the opportunities. My mother, after the crisis, has constantly told be to be The Best™, pushing me towards The Best Classes™, and The Best Business School Ever™. And while I thank her to have pushed me to my true potential, I wish I could have done the thing... with half the stress (at the very least).

In a nutshell, our generation, between the Generation X (our parents) and the Generation Z (my sibling, friend and cousins), the Generation Y (the 90's kids) are in the middle of two worlds, one of which we wish we could have stayed and another we have to live now.

And that obviously makes us sad as fuck.

Mary out.

Alright, that's it for today, I really hope you enjoyed this post, and I'll see you very soon with a new one, hopefully !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

I Have *Self-Diagnosed* BPD

I Have *Self-Diagnosed* BPD

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, sorry if i haven't been posting things lately on this blog, it's mainly because I've been posting reviews of LGBTQ+ related things on my culture club on Tumblr (which is here : http://arcobalenocultureclub.tumblr.com/).

Anyways. Here's another revelation, that maybe some people won't accept, but I've finally come comfortable with it, so why not make a blog post about it ?

A couple of months ago, I was on YouTube (how original). And some videos were recommended to me about Borderline Personality Disorder (don't even ask me how, YouTube works in special ways that I'll probably never understand anyways). I was like, yeah, why these ones ?

And then I watched them. I finally realised that maybe, YouTube isn't that dumb, after all (it was also the platform on which I discovered my asexuality, so it's pretty damn good). So, I kept looking for more resources on the matter, and read dozens of articles.

I didn't really want to be like, « yeah, I can relate to all of these symptoms, therefore I must have it ». All the articles that I read about the subject read that if I wanted to be diagnosed with BPD, I had to get « a proper diagnosis given by a mental health specialist ». Not only I don't have the money to pay a psychiatrist for such a diagnosis, but also the money that I would use wouldn't even be mine ; it would be my mom's, who's so worried about me already that I feel like I don't even want to put a bigger burden on her shoulders.

And therefore, I was like, « yeah, I don't have BPD. I'm just emotionally unstable, that's all. »

(When the other name for BPD is LITERALLY « Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder » ??? Wow, Mary. You used the other name of this mental illness while thinking it was something unrelated !!! I know, I'm such a champ.)

I kept looking for more articles, and kept realising that I definitely HAD BPD. I've been doing this since last year, and I keep doing it. The stigma around this mental illness is high, but I couldn't hide the truth anymore.

But at the very least, I learnt so many things during these researches, and many of my feelings now have a common factor that is BPD. So I decided to take the nine criteria and show you the ones i can relate to and the ones I can't.

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. My fear of abandonment is real and my mom saying « You know I won't be there for you forever. » makes me so nervous because I don't know how I will do without her (and I'm almost twenty, ffs !!!). I cry everytime I have to leave my family for an extended period of time and I'm envious of the life they get without me. Do they get envious of mine ? No, but I'm still thinking they're better off me anyways.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is pretty real though. I'm literally avoiding commitment for this reason, because everytime I think a person is good for me, they end up making fun of me behind my back, and when I realise it, I hate them so much I just want to kill them. Or smash their head against a wall, I don't know.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self. This is also the real deal, although I am coming to terms about it now, and I seem to have a clearer plan now that what I had six months ago. My persona online is the closest of my real self you'll ever get, so you're probably luckier than irl people who get a fabricated persona that I arrange according to the occasion and the people I am in front of.

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. Hahaha. Spending and me. Me and spending. Literally since I have my own bank account, I (sometimes) buy stuff, just because I want them. The thing is, I don't have money. Thirty euros here, thirty euros there, and I'm going bankrupt before the end of the month. Thank God my mom reminds me of not spending too much. Money burns my hands. Sometimes I manage to save some, but it's just to spend it on a bigger thing that requires more money. But really, if my credit card wasn't blocked when I reach 0, God knows what I'd be doing.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. I don't self-harm in the sense that many people assume, but I've had urges to do that anyways. I have eating disorders that I use to « harm myself on the inside » and suicidal thoughts are common.

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). Anxiety ? Who are you calling ? I am the queen of anxiety that lasts a few hours, if not a few days. As I said, I am an emotional roller-coaster.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness. Hahaha. Me and the Void™. We are good pals now. But yeah, even if I have many emotions, the most common one is « nothing ». Literally.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). You called the Empress of Anger™ !!! People literally call me cr*zy for it !!! (and they're being ultra-ableist at the same time, which is ultra-yucky) Anyways. I am angry for the smallest thing. No, Kevin, you can't touch my booklet or I'll kick you in the face. You're going to deterioriate it and I will kill you afterwards. What do you mean you want me to let you pass so you can reach your seat, Laura ? Why are you being SO F*CKING LATE IN THE FIRST PLACE !!! Go elsewhere or I'll f*cking kick you.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Paranoia is one of my other good friends, and when I'm stressed out, it's even worse. A clicking sound in my apartment ? THAT'S IT I HAVE COCKROACHES GOING DOWN THE F*CKING WALL I AM INVADED AND WILL BE EATEN ALIVE DURING MY SLEEP AND IF I SURVIVE THE OWNER WILL KILL ME BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF CARE IN HIS APPARTMENT SO I'M DEAD ANYWAYS !!!!! And then I check everything and I found nothing (it was just the cricking sound of the heating). Phew. Ever since I saw a couple of insects flying around, I'm seriously thinking I'm invaded. About the dissociation, I don't really know. But when I'm stressed out, I often feel like the world around me isn't real, or that I'm in a virtual game or something. I don't know if it's related but anyways, I just wanted to add this.

And that's pretty much it ! I can relate to almost every symptom, and these are just the nine main criteria (I'm extremely aware of the fact that there are many more symptoms and BPD varies to each person and is different for every individual suffering from it, but it would be too long to explain all the stuff that's going inside of my head).

Anyways. I hope you will understand. There are many people who are anti self-dx, but I'm telling them, it's pretty damn sad to tell people you don't have the mental illness when one of the criteria is also « not believing you have the mental illness and having a brain that makes you believe you don't have it », which happened to me for a couple of months before I realised that I had it, indeed !

To those who are pro self-dx : I love you so much, thanks for your inclusion, I feel better about myself knowin I feel validated (which is another criteria, once again) and that I have people I can relate to (since I don't have the money for therapy).

I will try to post more but also write my next short lesbian stories so maybe look everywhere I post and you'll probably find me somewhere on the Internet ! (but knowing my finals for the second semester are coming up, I probably won't. I apologise in advance then.)

Okay, that's it for today ! I really hope you enjoyed this post and I will see you very soon (hopefully) with a new one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

I Am Non-Binary

I Am Non-Binary

Wow. That feels weird to say it like this.

But that's the truth now.

A couple of months ago, I made this post, called Social Awareness Or Gender Confusion ?, on which I was discussing about my gender dysphoria / body dysmorphia and the fact that I didn't feel "like a cisgender girl" anymore.

(By the way I still experience gender dysphoria / body dysmorphia, especially about my boobs. Some days I like them, some others I don't, and I don't want surgery even when I don't like them because of the permanent scarring and the fact that it's irreversible. Yeah you can call me a pissbaby but I am afraid of changing my body forever.)

After a couple of months of research online and many things read about genderqueer identities... I am proud to tell everyone that I am non-binary.

(Or a demi-girl. Sometimes. I use non-binary as a loose / general term, really. By the way, I use she/they pronouns now.)

Here are some things that I discovered since my gender confusion post :
- Buying male-scented shower gel made me feel better about myself. I don't know why, maybe it's just the masculine scent, but I love it. I am less apprehensive of showering now and I think I'll expand that soon to my perfume / deodorant. Then I'll have to explain to my mom why I like putting on male scents that are way too strong for me. But then, I could make a joke about how "male scents attracts all the ladies, am I right ???". Hahaha. I'm too funny for my own good sometimes.
- I bought a flannel at the boy's section the other day (I'm a very petite person so it was literally a flannel for thirteen-years-old). And not only it is cheaper (and way stronger and comfortable !!!), but I also felt more androgynous and I felt good while wearing it at school. No one made a comment about it, by the way. Either because they don't care, or because I'm the freak that everyone speaks behind their back so they can't hear.
- I maintain my stance on make-up. If there's no formal event, there's no need for me to plaster my face in things I don't even know how to use. I sometimes put on lipstick to look sexy (or to get kissed by a cutie, idk) though.
- I still shave, because I ADORE my smooth legs right after the shaving. It's totally worth the fifteen extra minutes every week in the shower with my shaving creme and a little sponge that doesn't even hurt at all.
- I headcanon the Mad Hatter as genderqueer and they're my dream role right now. I want to be the Mad Hatter. Let me be the Mad Hatter. Everyday I'm listening to that Melanie Martinez song and I love it. Please let my dream come true.
(And I'd love to do more male roles in theatre once I have the opportunity to do so.)

Yeah ! So, I hope you won't mind this change and I'll see you very soon with something new !

And as usual, our last word ; KIDNEYS !!!