Internalised Biphobia

Internalised Biphobia

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So today, I will be talking about internalised biphobia.

I really want to address the internalised biphobia I've been dealing with for the past couple of months and I wanted to talk about it to vent a little.

I am a part of many fandoms and to be honest, the amount of biphobia I have encountered in the fandoms and especially when it comes to "headcanoning" (a.k.a. believing that a specific character is X gender or Y sexuality) is astounding.

Let's talk about the specific things I have encountered in my traven through "headcanoning" and "ship wars" to be fucking honest :

1) There's a woman whose sexuality isn't specified in the show. She has been shown to be attracted to men and potentially to women (because of course non-binary people don't exist and pan people don't exist either lmao).

No one says anything until bi women just claim her as bi, proving their point by showing off that she has been attracted to multiple genders and she's very likely to be bi herself. And then, of course, the "fandom wars" happen, blabla, the lesbians are like "no she's a lesbian !!!!1!1!1!!1! COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY* !!!1!1! if she isn't straight she must be gay !!1!!!1!"

*(term I hate because it was coined by a TERF, Adrienne Rich)

I am so damn fucking mad at this because I have seen canonically bi women erased and portrayed as lesbians when they ARE NOT !!!!! (remember the Korrasami ship and meme created by bi women, stolen by lesbians, and then lesbians have the audacity to say that they created the ship in the first place and that bi women have "stolen" the meme from them lmao ?)

2) When lesbian/gay people just accuse bi people (and to be fucking honest ace people too) of "stealing lesbian/gay memes" lmao ????? like what the fuck ????? where in the fuck can you call this "appropriation" when you're fucking white ? Petition for all white people to never use the word "appropriation" ever again because this is shitting on people of colour who have seen their lands, their culture and everything else appropriated from them by white people tbh.

3) When you combine 1) and 2), you end up with something very fucking nice that is called internalised biphobia. I have been dealing with this for some time now and I would love to talk about it right now !

a) I have been headcanoning more people as gay or lesbian than bi because I now always seem to see gay/lesbian people as "more pure", "more queer" and "more interesting" in their attractions than bi people. And it sucks.

b) I have tendencies of seeing myself as "lesser" than gay/lesbian people, that  I am "just the silver to their gold", that I am "a second-class queer", and that I don't deserve as much support as gay/lesbian people, just because I could just "turn straight" and then have "the straight lifestyle" (which I will never have thanks).

c) I have seen gay/lesbian people tell me to shush, to only accept the "conditional support" that I can recieve if I "look queer enough", and that I should "stop complaining about bi erasure" or bi representation that is seen as gay/lesbian when it isn't.

d) I am tired of seeing not only all m/m or all f/f couple being described as "gay" or "lesbian", when you don't even know if both parties are gay/lesbian, or even all these videos about achillean or sapphic stuff being called "gay" or "lesbian" stuff when it affects all achillean/sapphic people.

e) I AM TIRED OF SEEING BI PEOPLE SEEN AS LESS THAN GAY/LESBIAN PEOPLE OKAY ????? The "I hope they're gay. Or at the very least bi." doesn't cut it. It needs to stop. I am not a "second-class queer". I am not something you pick because "pure gold star gays" aren't available. I am not "partially gay". I am not "half-gay, half-straight". I am 100% pan and I love it.

And if you can't accept that, then well : FUCK YOU.

That's it for now. I am so angry right now.

I will see you with another post.

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !

Reclaiming Transgender ?

Reclaiming Transgender ?

Hi everybody, Mary here.

As you've probably noticed by now, my gender has changed a lot and you've probably followed me during my gender exploration... and currently, I identify as non-binary, and bigender (demiboy/demigirl, he/she/they pronouns please).

Now, this is a debate I've seen a lot on social media when it comes to transgender people and non-binary people, and about whether non-binary people can reclaim the word "transgender" for themselves despite not being "binary trans".

(By the way, technically all non-binary people fall under the transgender umbrella, because they're not cisgender and they have all the rights to reclaim the word transgender if they feel like it. There is no consensus on non-binary people choosing to reclaim the word transgender or not and while some people want to reclaim that word, others don't, and whether they want to reclaim it or not, they're valid as non-binary people who are not cisgender and their gender is perfectly valid.)

Now, the only thing I don't really like about this debate is that it's too polarised in my opinion : and there's a divide now. I've seen a video about it recently about the "trans/cis binary" replacing slowly the "male/female" binary even in LGBTQ+ circles and I'm aware that non-binary people don't necessarily like being assigned to "leaning towards one binary" at all. (I'm one of these people.)

However, I don't really like the "medical" implications of the word "transgender". It feels like people are redeemed "trans enough" based on how well you follow gender roles just to be respected as your actual gender, and how cis people can be respected as their actual gender now matter how they present because of cisnormativity.

I really don't like when other non-binary people, especially YouTubers who are vocal about their non-binariness, are called transtrenders, sometimes even by binary trans people themselves, and how harmful it is for all of us.

I really don't like seeing my gender validated by whether I want to transition or not, whether I want hormones or surgery or not (because to be honest, I don't want either of those), and I'm also tired of seeing people being called "lazy" because they don't want to change their name. (because I don't see myself changing my name in the future tbh.)

Also I feel less and less connected to my gender because of that, and I feel like I could never be trans because I am redeemed "lazy" and "a transtrender" by many people who have called other non-binary people like myself this term. I feel like I just can't be myself, that I just have to "conform" to my assigned gender at birth, and that I will never know anything else. And I am so frustrated with this bullshit to be honest.

Anyways, it's a very hard process for me to reclaim this "transgender" word, and for now, I am still uncomfortable with it. I know I am tired of thinking I am not "trans enough" but fuck it tbh. I am me and no one can change that. :)

Okay that's it for today, I really hope you enjoyed this post and I will see you soon with a new one !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !

Fleeing the house, my new life, more horseshit

Fleeing the house, my new life, more horseshit

Hi everybody, Mary here !

So, many things happened this summer lmao. You know, adults always warn you about the summer of your 20 years. It's supposed to be the best summer of your life, everything is good, you're still young and discovering your newly found independance, you leave the parental house to study with your friends (if you have any lmao), and you find love (if you want to, and if anyone loves you the way you love them lol).

The idyllic presentation of this summer that was told by the adults didn't really happen.

Actually, this summer, I left my business school, am about to do the last year (since I was allowed to enter in the final year) of a linguistics/translating bachelor degree, I left my abusive step-dad and my mom who was too supportive of him, I fled behind her back (almost, I just did the phone call when I was alone for some groceries) and I am now living until the end of this month at my uncle's house, before going to a new flat that I asked for.

I since met new people and made friends on several Discord servers (but let's be honest, my faves are at the A-Spec Chat, they're like family to me and I love them so so so much), I recieved lots of support when I'm the target of ableism and other shit, and I feel so much better knowing there are people out there who I can talk to. Thank you.

On the downside, I realised I'm autistic, I've been put in forced therapy by medical doctors and my family, I'm the constant target of ableism and I hate it.

I guess that's it. I'm just getting my bachelor's degree for now, we'll see if I have the energy to get a master's degree later.

All in all, I hope I'll be posting more and more here and on my other social media, and I hope to see you really soon for new things !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !

I Am Bigender

I Am Bigender

Hi everybody, Mary here !

So, here we are again, lmao, it's #MarysGenderExploration time !

So, it's all set (for now) ! I am bigender ! Hurray ! *party poppers*

My two genders are demiboy and demigirl. They fluctuate, overlap, sometimes I feel both, sometimes one more than the other, sometimes neither. My pronouns are he/she/they from now on.

Speaking of dysphoria, since I realised I could be trans/non-binary without dysphoria, I am more comfortable with my body. I still don't want surgery or hormones because I feel like they wouldn't fit me, however, social transition is something I'd like to see in the near future (a haircut, a binder, masculine/androgynous clothing since for now all I have is feminine af).

I also don't wanna change my name lmao. I have a connection with it that can't be shaken and a meaning I find poetic and pure, so I don't want to change it, hahaha. I hope I'm not the only one who is in this case.

The only concerns I have with my genders are the following :

1) can I be a WLW and a MLM at the same time, knowing that I'm pan, amd I ID more with demiboy when I envision my future with a man and demigirl when I envision myself with a woman ? (edit : I since have been told the term omnigay which is when your gender fluctuates but you're only attracted to your gender all the time and I love this term so so so much !!!)

2) I already know I am a WLW hahaha, but is it appropriative of "actual MLM" if i ask a man to treat me as such ? Is it a fetish that I have because I read too many gay men fanfictions ? Also : will I be subjected to transphobia ? Het men will be like "wtf you're not a man get real" and gay men will be like "I want a *real* man" (read : a cis man). Anyways I won't pursue cishet men bc cishets are gross and cis gay men because they probably deserve a man, trans or cis hahaha, not a fucking bigender like me. (self-esteem goes down the drain and never stops)

3) which leads to my next point : so basically men are out of the equation and I feel like I just wanna "be bigender just to be gay at all costs", lmaooooo, so why not just date women and call myself a lesbian lol ? Urgh if only. It would be so much easier. (edit once again : fuck the binary I am for now devoting my life to non-binary people and I am a proud diamoric)

4) I feel like I'm too complex hahaha, with all the already previous labels (pan demi-romantic asexual enby), will I ever be loved and respected for who I am ? hahaha (self-esteem : hello from down the drain lmao !)

Anyways. If you could help me decipher this blur that is my life at the moment, it'd be great, thanks !

I'll see you soon with a new post !

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

#GoodCisPeople, what a pile of horseshit

#GoodCisPeople, what a pile of horseshit

(Written on the 29th of July)

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, only a little under a month after #HeterosexualPrideDay, I thought this would be it, that the wouldn't be anything similar, like, ever.

I warned about a potential "#CisPrideDay" ? Hahaha. I wish it had stayed a joke and didn't become the fucking pile of fecal matter that is #GoodCisPeoeple. Seriously. I wish people didn't have the idea to create this hashtag.

So, here are a few things I learnt about cisgender people, on the 25th of July, 2016. (Please let never that happen again @Twitter.)

1) They still believe there are only two genders

Thank you so much for not only erasing non-binary genders, the people who identify as such, and oh ! all the cultures that contained more than two genders. I'd like to remind my fellow white folks that basically every POC culture *ever* contained more than the binary genders and that the binary is a white, European-centric invention. Non-binary genders within these POC cultures were forcibly erased via white colonialism and imperialism and if you try to tell me otherwise you're a piece of racist horseshit.

2) "The poor SJWs are so butthurt ! They are mentally ill people with made-up labels ! Tumblr did this ! Attention seekers ! Crybabies ! Tumblerinas !"

I will seriously not reply to these comments other than to say that you're a piece of disgusting trash, all words are made-up anyways it's not like there are "real words" on one side and "fake words" on the other one, you're disrespecting people who found/coined terms to describe their experiences accurately, you deserve to be shat on and fucking kicked in the groin for your blatant disrespect, and so on. You're the one harassing kids who did nothing to you besides finding their real self. Grow up and respect them you piles of fecal matter.

3) "This # is hateful towards cis people"/"Don't hate us and then expect us to respect you"/"I was born this way this isn't my fault"/[insert guilt-tripping arguments to make it like trans and nb folks are hateful and disrespectful and are the bad ones in this #]

ermmmmm... How do I explain it very simply to the cisgender mind...CISPHOBIA DOESN'T EXIST !!!!! YOU ARE NOT OPPRESSED FOR BEING CISGENDER !!!!! THERE IS NO SYSTEMATIC OPPRESSION DIRECTED TOWARDS CISGENDER FOLKS !!!!! When you're killed for being cisgender, oppressed for being cisgender, when you have unequal rights because you're cisgender, when politicians pass laws expressedly against cisgender folks, because you are seen as a "safety threat" for being cisgender, please call me. Until then, shut the fuck up and listen to trans and nb folks.

These remarks are tone policing, refusing us the anger we feel because of our oppression, you speak over us blatantly and disrespect our conversation, this # was created by trans and nb folks to mock the transphobia and nb phobia we face everyday in a joke fashion, if you can't take a fucking joke without being offended then I am afraid to tell you : you're the butthurt crybabies who have nothing else to do with their lives besides harassing minors that you've never seen irl on a social media platform where it's probably the only place they can express themselves safely without a fear of judgement.

If you can correct yourself when you mistake an animal's gender, then you can do the same for me. Grow up. Stop throwing tantrums on people who did nothing to you. You're so pathetic it hurts. Goodbye and see you never.

Alright, this is it for today, I hope you enjoyed this post, and I will see you soon with another one.

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

Officially Autistic™

Officially Autistic™

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, yeah ! I went back to Paris on June 24th, to have my Officially Autistic™ qualification and I met a nice psychiatrist that talked with me and my mom for thirty minutes. It's very relieving and comforting to see my official papers and knowing what my problem is, because now I know I'm autistic, I know that I don't have to "force myself to act like an allistic person", or do stuff "their way", and that I'm capable of doing things my way and that I can find my way of going around life without being pressured to do it "the allistic way". (Also, just like when I recieved my dyspraxia diagnosis when I was 11, diagnoses are, for me, a way to point out who I am, what I am, it's a label that defines a part of me and I'm very proud of that.)

Yeah, now you must be thinking "this is too good to be true".

And you're absolutely right.

Have you ever heard of ableism ? Well I didn't... until now. I mean, I had never personally experienced ableism before, because everyone thought that I was a perfect neuro-typical, allistic person. But it looks like getting an autism diagnosis is the end of your f*cking life.

The first ableist "joke" I recieved was the following :  "So, she'll go to Rio, right ?". I thought that they were talking about the actual olympics for the abled people (I love sports competitions and I thought this "joke" was about competition lol), since I'm still able-bodied, you know, I have no physical disabilities - but no ! They thought that I was "handicapped enough" to go to the paralympics ! And then my step-dad said "oh, you could do some running, but that would be unfair to the people who lost one or two legs lmao !".

Not only this is incredibly harmful for people who use wheelchairs and/or lost a limb, but also, it really says that my step-dad sees me as an impotent person, incapable of being on my own and living a decent, human life. Wow.

Between that, my mom saying that "I should act neurotypical, because I've had hardships too and somtimes there are things I don't want to do, but I'm forcing myself to anyways, so you should be capable of doing it too !". She uses sentences that trigger me like "I won't be here forever" and "Who will take care of you when I'm gone ?", which triggers my extreme anxiety and fear of losing her, because let's be honest, she's the only person that cares (a little) about me,

my step-dad saying "that's a handicap", and "she needs to accept her handicap" when I told him that i do not consider it a handicap and that he should consider the beauty of being neurodivergent,

when my autism is a joke, that my mom and my step-dad can whip out during meals, and not feel guilty about it one bit,

when my existence, my needs, and my will to have a comfortable life aren't respected because of ableism, when I'm treated like a piece of shit because of my autism, called "lazy", "irresponsible", "ungrateful",

when my stay at home depends "on their good will", that I'm told that the wi-fi is a priviledge that I can only have if I behave correctly, and that I have to "co-habitate" in a world created by neuro-typicals, for neuro-typicals, and governed by the sole needs of neuro-typicals and I can't change it and I just have to "suck it up and behave in an allistic manner",

when the entire world, but especially my family, that I've trusted for all my life, is ableist,

you have the rights to complain about your discrimination and oppression all you want.

Alright, that's it for now. I'll see you soon with a new post.

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

WTF Straighties ? #HeterosexualPrideDay is an ACTUAL thing !?!?!

WTF Straighties ? #HeterosexualPrideDay is an ACTUAL thing !?!?!

Hi everybody, Mary here.

So, I thought I had seen strange things in my life. Weird things, embarassing things, things that I thought would never happen but that actually did.

The thing I will talk about today is one of the grossest, most disgusting, and also the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life, hands down.

You know, this is one of the thing you really wish never existed and also you wish you could just erase them forever because they are literally so bad ???

I'm talking, obviously, about #HeterosexualPrideDay, that trended THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY yesterday on Twitter.

Here are some of the most disgusting, grossest things I noticed about this hashtag as I scrolled it with the utmost patience yesterday :

1) I've seen straight white cis dudes complaining about "SJW", all feminists, the WHOLE LGBTQ+ community, comparing us to "crybabies", "butthurt people", saying that we only have "butthurt feelings" and we only like to "whine" about "inexistant problems", when in reality, second point just below :

2) THEY JUST LOVE ERASING OUR STRUGGLES, OUR OPPRESSION, OUR DISCRIMINATION, AND THEY LOVE REDUCING US AND OUR IDENTITIES TO NOTHING, THEY LOVE PERPETUATING THE FUCKING VIOLENCE, RAPE AND MURDER OF MY POC AND TRANS FRIENDS, THEY LOVE SEEING US SUFFER WHEN THEY HAVE OUR BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS !!!

3) They literally do not understand what pride is, apparently. Pride is A RIOT TO CLAIM A LIVE WITHOUT OPPRESSION AND EQUAL RIGHTS, not just "shoving a lifestyle down your throats" or whatever. Instead of asking us why there isn't a straight pride, ask yourselves why you don't need one. You should be glad of not having to fight for your rights, for equality, or even worse, just for your basic existence without fear or oppression. I will gladly give you a fucking parade if you want... on the day you take our oppression and unequal rights. Would you like that to happen to YOU, YOUR FAMILY. YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR LOVED ONES ? Because if that's the case, then be my fucking guest. Come on, and I'll gladly exchange my oppression against one of the parades you love so fucking much anyday.

4) "So you can be proud of your sexuality but we can't ?" FUCKING. NO. You don't have to be proud of being straight because your orientation is ALREADY CELEBRATED BY THE FUCKING SOCIETY THAT OPPPRESSES US SO FUCKING MUCH !!!!! You have Hollywood, movies, TV shows, ads, the ENTIRE FUCKING SOCIETY is on your side. When we say we're proud of ourselves, it means WE ARE PROUD OF BEING WHO WE ARE AND LOVING WHO WE LOVE IN A WORLD THAT TRIES TO SILENCE US, OPPRESS US AND FUCKING MURDER US WITHOUT AN AFTERTHOUGHT !!!!!

5) "If you cared that much about equality, you'd give us a pride day, too !" ON THE DAY THAT WE'LL HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS MOTHERFUCKER !!!!! If you care that much about equality, then why don't you act on it and GIVE US EQUAL RIGHTS AND STOP OPPRESSING US FUCKING ASSHOLES !!!!! I don't give a fuck about your feelings. I don't want you to have any pride day as long as my community is bleeding and hurting and facing oppression that you will NEVER face in your entire lives !!!!!

6) "You make everything about yourselves anyways." As if you didn't make, I don't know, THE WHOLE FUCKING SOCIETY ABOUT YOURSELVES !!!!! Uh ? And then you cry when we have representation in the media, claiming that "it's not necessary", or "why are you shoving this down my face", or "why are you showing this to my children, they'll never understand !!!"... FUCKING HELL STOP THIS BULLSHIT ALREADY !!!!! It's fucking pride month fucking straighties. Can't you just let us breathe for a second ?

7) NEVER TAKE A FUCKING PRIDE DAY FOR YOUR STRAIGHT ASS !!!!!!!!!! By doing that, not only you erase our community and the struggles we faced just to hae a little bit of pride in ourselves, but also you ridiculise, and invalidate our entire FUCKING MOVEMENT and reduce it as "a joke you can pull off online". Like, two weeks ago, FIFTY OF MY POC AND TRANS FRIENDS WERE KILLED BY A FUCKING STRAIGHTIE AND FIFTY MORE WERE WOUNDED. Can you just not ? Steal ? A ? Day ? During ? Pride ? Month ? For ? Your ? Nasty ? Ass ? THANK YOU FUCKING MUCH !!!!!

8) "You're just an heterophobe anyways" Like, heterophobia... does NOT EXIST !!!!! Being straight means you are PRIVILEDGED !!! Hello !!! You will NEVER FACE OPPRESSION BECAUSE YOU'RE STRAIGHT !!! Understood, straightie ?

9) "You only exist because we gave birth to you, therefore we should also be celebrated" and... I don't care. Like, at all. I don't give a single fuck. With modern technology, we don't even need you anymore. Get lost.

10) Is it a coincidence that the people who created this hashtag are white cis middle-class dudes who also want, like, #WhiteHistoryMonth, #WhiteOut, believe in fucking cisphobia, misandry, "racism against whites", or heterophobia ? Like, these are the douches that make the whole world, our entire society unsafe for anyone who disagrees with them. You know what ? GO FUCK YOURSELVES AND NEVER COME NEAR ME EVER. Thank you very much, goodbye.

That's my opinion on #HeterosexualPrideDay, the only thing we jokingly talked about, hoping that it would never happen irl, but that happened anyways.

Fucking hell. I'm so fucking mad. I can't even. I'm retiring from this world, goodbye.

I'll see you soon with another post.

And as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!